I’ve always said that things in the Philippines tend to be black and white, with no shades of grey (and no, I won’t make another 50-Shades reference….this time). I still believe absolutely that most people in the Philippines are good and kind, and have a clear view on what’s right and what’s wrong.

Some Tagalog words for your education, especially if you are in an Australian Filipina relationship.

Utang = debt

Loob = “inner”

The expression utang na loob translated to Aussie means “Mate, I owe you one and I’ll never forget that!”. This is an inherent part of Filipino culture, which those majority decent people understand, and they really take to heart.

It’s actually very easy for Aussies to understand this, especially older Aussies or those who have lived and worked in the bush. Those with the “old values” understand very well their obligation to others, and especially to those who have been good to them. To forget this makes you a real mug, or various other expletives which I’ll spare you from. And our word is our bond.

In the Philippines, the society is interspersed with invisible threads of utang na loob. Do something for somebody, and they have utang na loob (usually abbreviated to utang) to you. The more you have given, the more utang they have in return. People are generally kind and generous, but none more so than to those that they have utang to. And to forget your utang ranks among the lowest things that a person can do.

Why you need to understand utang na loob

You need to understand this to understand why your wife relates differently to different people. There may be a sister whom she’s always exceptionally kind and generous to. You may find that sister 20 years ago was paying for your wife’s college fees, and that debt of gratitude (another translation of utang na loob) remains. And if you show some exceptional kindness to somebody, they will never forget this and will be that person that you can always ask help of. Kindness SHOULD be its own reward, of course. However there are some definite fringe-benefits from your actions that will exist even if this was never your intention.

One of the main things that you as an Aussie bloke married to a Filipina lady need to understand is that she will have people out there that she has utang to, and that to ask her to forget this will cause problems for her and confusion for the other person. No, you don’t and won’t have an obligation to financially support family members. Don’t let anyone abuse you or her. But understand if she wants to pay for the school fees of her niece because that’s the child of the sister who paid for her college fees.

And particularly understand that there is always utang to parents and/or step-parents, for all that they did for them as kids. Yes, as an Aussie I couldn’t imagine taking “charity” from my kids, but the Philippines is a society where the parents would be left destitute and helpless in their senior years if their kids didn’t take care of them.

And also, honestly? What sort of crappy society is it (I’m talking about Western societies here, and not the Philippines) where parents are left on the scrap heap especially because they weren’t absolutely perfect when we were growing up? As silly kids, yes, we all saw them as jailors imposing what we thought were unfair rules on us, but as kids tend to be selfish we only saw our own perspectives, didn’t we? We had no idea how much they struggled with their own problems (marriage issues, employment issues, money issues, health issues, etc) whilst at the same time learning parenting as they went along. As we mature, and especially as we become parents ourselves, we get a glimpse of how it would have been for them. We make mistakes with our kids, but at least we TRY to get it right, and our parents were most likely the same. It’s a fairly self-centred person who forgets this and thinks they have the right to judge and condemn their own parents.

The bad side of the black-and-white spectrum

Be aware that not everybody follows these social rules to the letter, and where there are good people you will also find the bad. There are those who show a disgraceful regard to the kindness they’ve received from others, and their utang to others is completely ignored. These are the ones who think that kindness is their right, and will happily live off your charity and will trash you to your face and behind your back. These people are known as walang hiya, ie. without shame. Shameless. They exist here like they do in all societies, and just as parasites exist in nature. They take, but yet they feel no sense of obligation. Do yourselves a favour and do a bit of spring cleaning if you have any of these clinging to you.